? confused ?

today our sermon was focused on confused people. currently, i am a confused. not even sure about what. i just know that today we were singing about seeing light at the end of the night. and i don't see it.

i am not sure why i am listless and hopeless. i can't find the words to say the way i have been feeling. i have a loving and sensitive and strong husband; i have a good job (my dream job).

guilt seeps in because i know that i have much to be thankful for and yet i wallow- or am confused.

janet said there are two ways that people get trapped or confused. we either get caught by our pasts or our presents. if we are caught by our pasts then we haven't let wrongs or circumstances go. if we are caught in the present we are constantly trying to please people and looking for adoration.

i think there is a bit of both in me, but i am primarily caught in the present. looking for praise and acceptance. i don't think of trying to get people to like me as a losing game. i know it's a game i can win.

this year, i have had to face this trap. i didn't (and still don't) realize the extent to which i crave accpetance. i obsessively desire to please. i alter my words and sometimes my beliefs depending on whom i am speaking with.

this is not a game i can win. and only this year have been forced in to that honest confession. i still don't really believe it. there's a secret corner in my soul that remains confident and self-assured.

i forget that i am ultimately accepted and unconditionally loved. my experience echoes a hymn verse; "Prone to wander Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love."

what if i wasn't confused anymore and i understood how and what about my life in Christ. what if i completely let go of this game and these fears and embraced the freedom that is mine?