small significance

2011-04-17T06:17:00.000-04:00

Another year in the garden is about to start!

We have had the roof of the shack's porch removed, and our yard looks enormous! We might even plant grass.

These pictures have been on the camera for a few weeks; already there is more growth than is captured here.

I am a gardener! Not a good one, but a passionate one.

After the Storm

2011-04-17T06:06:00.000-04:00

They talk about the calm before the storm, but I find I can never take that calm seriously. The calm that I long for is the calm that infuses the hours after a storm.

This morning our backyard is infused with this calm. This morning I am overcome by this calm.

I would not call it peace. Peace to me is brought on by inner decisions. Peace is deeper than calm.

Calm is the very still waters of your soul and mind because there is nothing left to stir the waters, and finally, finally, you can look up and see that for this moment there are no more waves. For a minute you can rest and breathe and realize that the storm is over.

Maybe it's these moments of calm that will grow in to peace. I start to realize that the storms make me stronger; I realize that I am still loved.

Cleaning Early on Saturday

2011-03-19T06:33:00.000-04:00

It is amazing what a little cleaning can do.

You might be tempted to think you hate your house. But then you clean it, purge the white noise, and all of a sudden, it doesn't feel so bad any more.

The house is really teaching me so much. Like how do you have high expectations, work towards a goal but know that the goal won't come around for years and decades and maybe never.

Ideal Days

2011-02-05T18:25:00.000-05:00

It is hard for me to say exactly what I want to do each day.

I know that I enjoy meeting goals. I like a pragmatic product at the end. Something concrete.

I would like reading and writing and talking with people. I would like to interpret and help implement. I can see myself writing curriculum and implementing it.

Maybe 2 days a week of people. 3 days a week of research, reading and writing.

I am not sure about data entry. I enjoyed statistics. I like playing with numbers. I would like to know more about that. Interpreting statistics and making effective plans. Then there would need to be a follow up to make sure that curriculum is meeting needs.

I also know that part of me doesn't care what I do during a day, as long as there is forward movement. I have cleaned toilets, painted rooms, written curriculum, taught children and have felt good at the end of a day.

I should think back to the curriculum days; I need clear goals and a structure. Feedback at points- obviously more at first than later.

What do you want to do?

2011-02-02T17:26:00.002-05:00

So what do you want to do?

Well I want to .... these ideas really excited me.

I hear that you like our mission. What do you want to do day to day?

I don't know.

Snow

2011-01-27T09:16:00.001-05:00

Friends

2011-01-23T20:38:00.000-05:00

From the outside looking in...

I think this is one of the self-involved things I love about friends. They give you a moment, a script, with which to see/narrate your life from the outside looking in.

Sam asked me the other day what I talk about with my friends. I couldn't really answer. I had been out on a walk for 2+ hours with my good friend, and I couldn't really recall what we had discussed.

It hit me today. Friends get excited about your life and remind you to be excited about possibilities. They don't worry about the same things Sam and I think of.

One of those weeks

2011-01-23T19:08:00.000-05:00

one of those weeks where your body feels the stress a bit later than your mind.

So in church my muscles are twitching and tensing; during the hymns and readings I practice deep breathing and intentional relaxation.

In church I am reminded to be stouthearted and that someone knows my tomorrows.

How does one change their mind?
How do you go from anxious to confident?
How do you remember that your ideas matter when you are thinking of starting a new project?

Other people are thinking too!

2011-01-02T18:37:00.001-05:00

Well grounded

My First Kitchen
Simple Mom

Vision

2011-01-01T10:10:00.003-05:00

Health- Lose weight, the ground work has been done and now it is time for results.

God- "Into your hands I commit my Spirit, redeem me, O Lord, the God of Truth."

Family and friends- Communicate at least sporadically with family and friends who live farther than "around the corner".

Future- One step at a time remembering that God is leading the right way.

New Year's Ramblings

2011-01-01T09:38:00.004-05:00

Reading former blog posts is like meeting an old friend. I forget that I set out these dreams and visions for the next year, and yet when I reread them I can see how life has matched these dreams in some way. Not in an eerily psychic way, but in a your-visions-are-so-broad-anything-could-come-true kind of way.

From last year, I wanted to think more about my theory of education. And here is what I have learned, my place in education is not what I was planning. I have a different role to play as an educator. I have to do some work now to figure out what that role is, and I am very nervous about this. I am anxious about the next year.

I have also been reminded of the unjust ways that the public school system works and am thinking about how to work in that field to level the playing field.

From last year, I wanted to work on health. We got the Wii after a convincing evening with friends. Weighing in has been a good process for me to be involved in. At first I hated it and it could drive me up the wall, but after working for 9 months or so, I can see trends and I have more realistic thoughts about my body.

I still need to change. I need to lose weight. I think that is a short-term change. I need a boot-camp. And then when I "come back" I could resume most of the habits I have now just with less fat on me.

But, Sam and I have continued to develop healthful habits. We cook our own meals most night and we take our own lunches most days. Working out comes and goes, but there is a general bent towards working out.

From last year, I wanted to develop my sense of God. What I meant was that I wanted to be more and more aware of God in my life. Not necessarily refining what I believe, just remembering that God is there and active would be a good step. After visiting home for Christmas, I was able to see more clearly the faith that I grew up with. I could see with an observer's clarity the thick, deep roots that my growing up faith gave me. It has given me a firm foundation, without which I would be lost and adrift. But I have changed, and I do not believe exactly what I was taught; I have come to a place of deeper peace about that.

Also as I contemplate transition, I remember God. I am forced to remember that this place is not my home; and that as my grandmother prayed: "Lead them in the right way. They will not go the wrong way." Remembering that each day will be quite important. There is much that I am unsure of in the coming months. God knows, and God is faithful.

I am reminded of the family verse for this year. Jose and Sarah chose from Psalm 31, "Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O Lord, the God of Truth."

I am thankful for:
Sam - I am growing in my appreciation of my partner daily. He is patient with me when I don't have the energy to talk. It has been our whole marriage that I have felt drained from spending energy elsewhere, and he has loved me in spite of that. He gives me logical perspective and we laugh together.

Close friends- I love the ones I am with!

House- It still hasn't fallen over! And it feels more and more like a home. We had a splendid garden this year and we are living in the space making it feel like our home.

Tethered

2011-01-01T08:58:00.002-05:00

Waiting for the laundry to dry kept me tethered to the moments. Those last few moments spent with family; the moments that are easy for me to miss while I wonder if we should leave now to miss traffic.

In these moments the entire trip resolved and I was free just to watch and be. These were borrowed moments lent by the dryer, and so just being together was better than being apart. Guitar chords washed over conversations like waves over the sand making words less important and taking them out to sea.

Toy trains ran careless loops around the tracks and drove through tunnels that hid plastic monsters. Shrieks of the engineer and giggles from the monster mixed with the guitar chords and tumbled to the watery horizon.

The camera clicks and flashes trying to scoop up each wave. There is a sad beauty knowing that I can only capture a few and must let the others ride out to the sky. Around the sunset horizon the images between the flash's harsh light take on golden glow and a new life. They sing back to us on the shore as we drive home through the snow.

Good night

2010-12-12T19:12:00.002-05:00

Before the ending of the day
Creator of the world we pray
that you with love and lasting light,
would guard us through the hours of night

From all ill dreams defend our eyes,
from nightly fears and fantasies,
redeem through us our evil foe
that we no lasting harm my know

O wisest Guide, grant all we ask,
fulfill in us your holy task,
surround us with your love and care
and lead us on your life to share

All praise to God sustaining us
redeeming and transforming us
Thanksgiving in eternity
all praise beloved Trinity.

Friends

2010-12-12T18:55:00.002-05:00

"I am a rock.
I am an island."

Friends are easy for me to take for granted. It is easy for me to lose myself in tasks and in the present moment. This fact is proven by my lack of phone calls, and my general "island" mentality. I don't mean the cool and relaxed "island mentality;" I mean the stalwart and isolated "island" mentality.

It is true that being married has helped me on my voyage to the continent. But I still forget to stay connected with my friends.

Over the last two days, my friends have been speaking words of peace to me. They tell me about their lives and God. And I remember that I am not alone, and that maybe I am not crazy.

I am thinking of this morning's conversation over pancakes. My two dear friends and I have bonded over the course of three years. What brings us together is our neurotic sense of control. We are a high-functioning trio; we get lots of work accomplished, and each of us struggles with our island lives. It is easy for us to forget that God is in control.

My friend reminded me that anxiety can be seen as spiritual warfare. I do not think of my anxiousness in these terms. But maybe it is true. God does not want us to be anxious about anything. What can worrying add to our lives? This heightened sense of responsibility that morphs in to control issues is not of God.

What does God want from me? How does my anxiety prevent me from seeing want God wants for me? In what ways does my perception distort God's truth?

I remember my senior Bible teacher telling us this: "What does the Lord require of thee? To act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with thy God." Maybe I have been too scared to see what God has in store for me. Maybe I am supposed to be a stronger leader than I realize, having strength that comes from peace and love instead of control and performance.

Letting Go

2010-12-09T19:48:00.003-05:00

I find that I am a better teacher as I am able to let go. I am releasing my need to fix children; I am learning to let them struggle. I can narrate their struggles to them, and I can discuss strategies. But their struggles are ultimately not mine.

Talking with a friend recently I realized that we can get in the way of children's struggles. Her daughter has some questions about God. Does God exist? is at the heart of the daughter's dilemma and anger. I realized that if the mom chose to be angry about this, or if she chose to try to "fix" her daughter, she would ultimately distract her daughter from her struggle. Her struggle is with God not her mother.

My students struggle with many things. These are their struggles. I can be a support and a well of unconditional positive regard, but I cannot assume their struggles. It's not my fight. It is theirs and they are stronger for the fight.

Feeling Grounded

2010-12-06T20:44:00.003-05:00

I know what I know
I say what I say
We come and we go

It's the thing that I keep in the back of my head
I know what I know

I don't know if these are the words to a Paul Simon song, but I like to think that they are. I find that I make up my own words to songs...

These words came to my mind on Sunday. Sunday was a day when what I believe now and what I used to believe came to further peace with one another. And I came to own and feel the beliefs more. Maybe I came to a further realization of God's deep love for me and for us all.

Differences arise for us when we try to reconcile biblical language, experience, and theology with what we know to be true of God. Also there is the question of what we want to be true of God versus what is actually true of God. Some things we will never know... many things we will never know.

Birds of Atlantic City: For Dad

2010-08-01T08:38:00.000-04:00

Atlatnic City

2010-08-01T08:31:00.001-04:00

I know it's cheesy, but we had a great time in Atlantic City. For us it was the perfect blend of beach, room with a view, and mindless fun. Lovely to get away and to remember I love this life I've been given.

2010-07-19T20:29:00.000-04:00

deck the halls or chois

2010-07-19T20:27:00.003-04:00

Hello There!

2010-07-19T20:25:00.001-04:00

Outside Inside

2010-07-11T12:47:00.002-04:00

When we take off pieces of our garden or when we inadvertently spray the hose too hard and pieces of the garden fly off... I like to bring the vestiges inside. It's like getting flowers, only cheaper. I think tomatoes smell better than roses anyway: I had not ever noticed their peppery, acid aroma before. Now I can't seem to get enough.

Collection

2010-07-11T12:43:00.001-04:00

We just got this bread plate on Friday from our friend Cindy. When Cindy has a party, she cleans out her house and gives away her treasures as party favors. This is the same plate that was at our dinner table growing up. I wouldn't say I love the design, but remembering dinners where we laughed over the day together; that makes it worth keeping.

Still Waiting

2010-07-11T12:13:00.004-04:00

I am still waiting to meet our burgandy sunflowers. I forget how far they've come.

Little By Little

2010-07-05T20:40:00.004-04:00

Little by little and was by was
all by all and deep by deep

These lines are from a poem Sam sent me when we were first getting to know each other.

This idea of "little by little" recurred in our lives together as we moved in to our new home. I have written about this idea before, but I seem to need to learn and relearn.

I am at peace with this.

I wonder is it just me that feels this compulsion to get everything done this moment? Am I a product of our culture? I need to see results, and I forget that the most important results take time, traditions and even daily rituals.

Over our fence, we hear lilting Italian music reminding our neighbors of home. The notes dance across our honey suckle fence from their earthy-layered garden to our fumbling tomato plants. As the voices crone and the notes strain, I imagine that our neighbors know everything about the earth and growing. I imagine that they know all about the rituals that make you deep and rich in ways that are impossible to articulate. I imagine that little by little and all by all they have become deep by deep.

Next door is where I want to be. I want to be rich and layered. I want to laugh, tend, create and grow.

For now it's back to writing here and little by little growing up and open.

Ending a Hiatus

2010-04-25T14:09:00.003-04:00

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I haven't asked myself this question for five years.
Not really asked myself this question.

I took a break from planning and scheming the next steps of my life 4 years ago.

That was the right decision for me.
It is easy for me to look ahead, to see the grass on the other side of the fence that needs mowing or exploring.
Not that it's greener but that I could work in it.

After a five year hiatus, I am excited to ask this question again.
And this time I have a partner to help me sort through options and sort through myself.

Because I think it's easy to get tangled in my own ideas.
I need help sorting through me.
Sam helps me remember that I am determined and that I can be whatever I want.

Morning Light

2010-04-24T06:49:00.003-04:00

this week has been busy
i am glad to be awake early today

more time to think
more time to make
more time for silence

2010-04-23T18:52:00.001-04:00

So who do you want to be when you grow up?
What does that mean for day-to-day life and love?

pancakes

2010-04-22T19:21:00.002-04:00

i do miss being home.
i enjoy working and spending time with the children,
but i ache to be home more.

pancakes always make me wish i could stay home all day,
every day.

i don't often get bored at home
i think it's because i could choose to go in to the city...

just knowing all the busyness is there waiting for me, helps me choose the calm things.

Spring Break, I will miss you

2010-04-10T09:43:00.000-04:00

Garden Beauty

2010-04-07T09:45:00.002-04:00

2010-04-04T13:54:00.001-04:00

He is Risen!

2010-04-04T13:52:00.001-04:00

He is risen indeed, Alleluia!

Neighbors

2010-04-03T17:14:00.002-04:00

It all started yesterday with cleaning the kitchen; then Sam and I worked on our bedroom and dungeon (affectionately named based on its state when we purchased our estate).

I have to say that cleaning our home reminds me how much we have. How blessed we are. I had the same experience when we put away our food after shopping. Pouring out contents of one box to store it in plastic boxes helped me really see what we have.

I ramble... What I mean to say is this: We are blessed to live on our block. In the last 24 hours our neighbors have...
taken out grape tree
planted new grape vines
trimmed old grape vines

(did you know that when you cut grape vine water drips out?)

our neighbors also brought us plants
wineberry bush (apparently it's a jersey black/raspberry)
peonies
some tropical looking flower
day lilies
some other beautiful ground covers (2 kinds)
also some beautiful flowers that bloom at night

found...
cabinet
huge weber grill
2 large bags of charcoal
table

transplanted
mystery flowers
some lovely ground cover that I can't remember the name of

and we were able to reuse a bunch of dirt from last year and we discovered that our yard dirt is quite lovely (really)

also we have some serious mint
mojitos sometime soon!

Deborah came out and planted dahlias.

One of our neighbors has some extra fence... maybe she will let us have it :)

Really humbled and blessed today. We didn't spend any money over the last 24 hours on gardening stuff and look how far we came.

Pictures will follow tomorrow.

Cleaning

2010-04-02T10:11:00.004-04:00

This morning I started Spring Break by calmly cleaning the kitchen. It was quite therapeutic; I was reminded how much I like our white dishes. Monochromatic dishes really helps keep our kitchen seem less cluttered.

More on this later. I decided that I should document the work we have done and the decisions we have already made. So... more kitchen pics later.

Love in the Morning

2010-04-02T08:03:00.002-04:00

Sometimes love in the morning looks like flowers from a neighbor or dishes by the one who loves you best.

Inspiration

2010-03-30T19:28:00.003-04:00

Maybe these will inspire me...

or maybe they will make me sad.

That's the tricky thing about inspiration.

We don't have a cool sewing machine

We don't have a lot of money

And currently, I'm avoiding second-hand furniture...

bedbugs have apparently attacked the greater NYC area with a vengeance.

They're redoing a house too!

She likes to make stuff.

Therapy

Next week is spring break, maybe we can fix the rest of the house.

tsk tsk tsk

2010-03-26T19:21:00.003-04:00

i can hear mice in the ceiling

tsk

i am so tired and i can't sleep

tsk

i have a pile of work

tsk

picture not from today- but i feel gray and snow and frantic

Hello Again!

2010-03-17T18:05:00.003-04:00

We found the vintage shop. It's lovely.

Umbrella Graveyard

2010-03-16T18:54:00.002-04:00

Church

2010-03-16T18:52:00.000-04:00

Synagogue

2010-03-16T18:49:00.002-04:00

Saturday Brunch

2010-03-16T18:47:00.000-04:00

Impressions of Rain

2010-03-14T20:34:00.001-04:00

Gray

2010-03-13T08:02:00.003-05:00

Today is a gray day. There will be lots of rain.

Someone else loves our city!

Although I have to say that this isn't our neighborhood. I like to think of our neighborhood as more authentic. But, I am a partial judge.

But I found this shop and it's in our neighborhood. I will have to go find it when the sun shines again. Yay!

Pictures

2010-03-06T17:22:00.003-05:00

More pictures here . I like to keep my blog clean and simple, but there are more pictures of Jersey City.

blue skies

2010-03-06T17:00:00.002-05:00

Celebration?

2010-02-27T12:31:00.003-05:00

Celebrate!

2010-02-27T12:18:00.002-05:00

Orange-rum cupcakes with cream cheese icing!

"Watch out for the ice."

2010-02-27T12:12:00.005-05:00

Greeted by a couple fellow pedestrians; I was reminded that sometimes Jersey City is kinder than it looks.

I was also cautioned to be careful of the icy sidewalks by a woman who had just had her hip-replaced. Kind of her to think of me.

Ran in to our neighbor. "Do you have a camera?" "Yep, just taking pictures of the snowy buildings." He seemed unconvinced. I should have offered to take his picture. I think that's what he actually wanted. Also I think he wanted to ask me if I'm pregnant. They always do that the older generation: they always want you to be pregnant. I am not pregnant- just fat. It's easier than being pregnant.

Inspiration

2010-02-26T20:37:00.003-05:00

Not only did Bethy post in my honor she is always sending me these great blogs to enjoy. This is one of my favorites.

Little Brown Pen describes herself: "I photograph Paris. Obsessively." Some of her entries are organized by color. I feel quite inspired. At first I thought that I could photograph New York City. Obsessively. But I think I might prefer to photograph Jersey City. Obsessively.

I like to think that there is hidden beauty here. Small beauty. I think it would be fun to find those moments. Maybe I will start tomorrow in this snowy snowy cityscape.

Also- maybe I will make ravioli. I was quite uninspired today. I feel a different day coming.

Birthday

2010-02-26T17:34:00.003-05:00

My long time friend and her love came to the city to celebrate my birthday!

She also posted this for me!

I love balloons!

Winter

2010-02-26T10:02:00.000-05:00

Reminder

2010-02-16T11:25:00.003-05:00

Last year around Spring Concert time I talked in worship about this sign that I had seen. It is a red sign and at that time it was vibrant red hanging in a store front window on our route to school. It has since faded in pink and I rarely notice it anymore.

Spring concert time is a stressful time around our school, and this red reminder enabled me to do just what it says: Keep Calm and Carry On. Apparently this was a poster that was printed in 1939. They were designed by the British Government to reassure the citizens that they would be protected in the midst of the war.

I like it's pragmatism.

I like the idea of everyone tending their own garden and not getting so caught up in things we cannot control.

But what of social justice? What about change? What about interacting in the world? I guess I am taking a more passive role on these questions these days. The truth is change is hard and we aren't going to change the world for the better. All we can do is live our lives and I think in the living of our lives we effect change, more lingering change.

That is quite humanist of me. Let me restate. I think that God sustains us with common grace. And this common grace is why people do not act as evil as we really are. Because of God's mighty grace we are freed from thinking that we have to change the world. We are called to love and serve those around us: I consider this tending our own gardens. We care for the people God has placed before us and through God's power and our own simple practices we keep calm and carry on.

I am coming to see that our simple practices remind us of the power God has in our lives.

Humbled

2010-02-10T08:46:00.003-05:00

Last Saturday I attended the memorial service for C's grandmother and aunt. The memorial was bilingual and I was immediately wondering how we dare to integrate so many cultures; how we dare say that students are struggling with language development when there are so many differences.

And then of course being in the presence of those who mourn is undoing. Some women wailed loud shrieking cries. When I went to hug C, she melted in my arms- dissolving into loud sobs. I, of course, did the same.

Humbled because we dare to bring various cultures together. Humbled because the only reason I know C is because I am her teacher. Anyone could be her homeroom teacher, but it's me.

Woman

2010-01-01T09:02:00.003-05:00

I would also like to say that it has taken me a while and I am still developing my identity as a woman. For much of my life I neglected the beauty of being a woman. I have long believed that we are all children of God regardless of gender. I thought that the differences between the genders did not matter- I took these beliefs to the extreme and did not (and still do not fully) appreciate the beauty of being a woman. So to continue referring myself as a woman is a bit unsettling but a worthy and important practice.

I am thinking of a dear friend and her daughter and a community dinner. Over dinner one evening the young daughter said to the table, "Do you know what women have that men don't?" My immediate cringe was echoed around the table as we held our breaths for the impending anatomy demonstration. Mother and daughter immediately lift their arms in a demonstration of strength as they chant, "BIRTH POWER."

Home-Maker

2009-12-31T11:42:00.009-05:00

Recently, a friend said that Sam and I are home-makers.

Until now, I would've cringed at the term. For much of my life I have seen myself as a "working girl." I guess my picture of myself develops more clearly each year.

When I was quite young, maybe 5 or 6, I pictured myself as a grown woman with blond hair. I have dark brown hair, and never has there been the promise of growing in to a blond woman. But to a young child logic is not a consideration. I knew that I would grow in to my blond locks eventually.

When I was a bit older, my late teens and twenties, I pictured myself as a career driven, day-planner-wielding, frenzied by commitments yet productive and successful woman. This is the vision I have clung to for some time.

The busyness of the city lured me away from Tennessee and it is here in this over-stimulating, over-busy environment that I have been able to cultivate peace in myself and home. I am deciding not to participate in the frenzy (well as little as possible); I have mostly released the idea that the overbooked woman is who I want to be. It has been a process of 4 or 5 years though. It has taken me a long time to let go of the frenzy or even to realize I was holding on the the white-noise of over-activity. I think that this conscious decision not to participate in the frenzy has made me value home and home-making.

Now I find myself wanting to cook, clean and organize. I see our home as a living, functioning piece of art. The smells, the lights, the colors, the furniture, the stuff of life in an artful way. Or at least we try. I still don't have a long-term picture about what it means to be a home-maker, but I am confident this will develop over the coming years.

And all of this makes room for what? Well, my hope is that it makes room for God, Sam, friends, contemplating the simple and thinking new thoughts.

Remebering

2009-12-27T18:05:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is for writing about remembering.

For me, growing comes as I remember and plan.

This year I am turning 30.
It's closer than it seems, 7 maybe 8 weeks away.

There is much to be happy about, joyful about.
home
marriage
community

There is much to grow.
health
sense of God
theory of education and work

Where have we been? What comes next?
Remember what you have learned and know...

Christmas

2009-12-27T17:35:00.003-05:00

This year Christmas was mostly about Advent. We celebrate Advent at school, remembering the stories of Jesus' family tree. It is a time that is full of laughter fenced by the knowledge that God is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Our God is one God. Our God is faithful.

This year has been a year of waiting. And for me it has been important to learn that striving against the waiting does not make the waiting speed by. We bought a house that has evolved in to a home.

Our good friend from prayer group has encouraged us to bless the house since the day we bought it. I remember that we did walk through the house praying that God would bless the space and our work in it. At the time of those prayers the urine smell was thick and pungent and the cock roaches slithered everywhere. That was the beginning of the blessing. The Lord has allowed us to bless the walls with laughter, stories, prayers, quiet reflection and of course some good-old-fashioned t.v. watching.

Now as we walk around our neighborhood, I am humbled by God's faithful goodness. I remember that sometime after we bid on this home, I began to get angry. The banking system was not working the way I needed it to giving me more time to second guess our decision. The vivid olfactive memory made me shudder and the thought of cockroaches made me want to rent our apartment forever. My doubt and apprehension turned to anger and I wondered why we had been cursed with this house. What made us think this was the right investment?

God is faithful and turned what looked like a curse in to a blessing. Sam and I and so many friends brought forth a home out of the putrid walls of neglect. Clearly this was not done in our own strength and there were many breaking points. Broken beyond what I knew I could handle. God, through community and divine presence, restores, rebuilds and out of the putrid walls of neglect is turning my soul in to a home.

Christmas Eve Brunch and Games

2009-12-27T17:29:00.004-05:00

Christmas Eve this year we got together with some very dear friends. I would say that our community has grown over the shared experience of cooking dinners from various countries. Our friends were kind enough to let Sam and I join their Amazing Race cohort. We enjoyed watching each episode cheering on some players and snarkily reviewing others. We challenged our selves to make food from the country the contestants visited each week. We had food from Estonia, Vietnam and other places. Some weeks we got take out as most of us are teachers and some times progress reports take too much time. But, we figured surely you can buy pizza in Dubai. It wasn't just the tv and the food that brought us together; we discussed theology and its implications, shared our varying opinions and enjoyed and clarified our differences.

On Christmas Eve we reunited for laughter, stories and games. My parents were here as well and watching the pockets of my life come together mixing and blending together felt whole. It's easy to fragment my life and think that this thing I am doing is new.

This thing that I am doing, moving away from home, developing community, creating a home with my partner, figuring out what I believe about God and teaching at a school I believe in is not new. This is the story of my parents. And to see this as a beautiful recurrence is a blessing.

Thanksgiving Breakfast

2009-12-27T17:26:00.001-05:00

Stopping to smell the roses...

2009-08-07T23:36:00.003-04:00

at the Home Depot's garden center.

Last week Thursday Sam and I were in the car on our way to the attorney's office to buy our house when we got a call informing us that we would not be closing that day.

We went to Home Depot and wandered around.

Sam's Birthday

2009-08-07T23:32:00.004-04:00

Lights at Liberty State Park

2009-08-01T05:27:00.001-04:00

food culture

2009-07-11T18:13:00.003-04:00

above
breakfast with sam and mom and dad
lunch with sam and jeanne

developing a new relationship with food-
thinking of health for me and loved ones
taste
texture
seasonal
local
process eating- taking lots of time to talk and eat-
evolution of a meal...

statue of liberty

2009-07-09T21:57:00.003-04:00

thinking of freedom and what makes americans unique
maybe it's that so many of us are imports within 4 or 5 generations
that's pretty young to be a country to form cultures

some words from today
enclave
emigrate
immigrate
melting pot
freedom

there are more thoughts for later. i am thinking particularly of my family's journey to america. i have been taking notes so that i won't forget.

ellis island

2009-07-09T21:54:00.001-04:00

summer

2009-07-09T21:51:00.002-04:00

family

2009-06-30T22:08:00.002-04:00

inspiration

2009-06-22T21:16:00.002-04:00

We ran in to Dana this afternoon on our way to dinner with Melissa and Chris. Dana brought relief to all of my stress. Obsessing over the cost of replumbing the new house has taken over my thought-life. She was telling us about their fixer-upper, they had major plumbing work done for $4,000. I was thininkng $30,000. So I feel better now.

Now I can start thinking about beautification of space.

order

2009-06-20T22:29:00.004-04:00

time to put things in order
recycle all the slips of trees
pencil stubs
dry glue sticks

vacuum up the bits of
dust and
food and
outside and
the tangly hair

straighten the trinkets
admire the coffee cups
and cook dinner

Philadelphia

2009-05-30T22:43:00.003-04:00

29 is turning out to be a grown-up age for me.
today we went down to philadelphia for bethy's 29th birthday.
we spent the first hour of our trip in jersey city on the turnpike- ah city-life

ran into some sort of parade

the day was filled with interesting, light conversation and wandering about.
it's funny how we run in to people we never thought we would see again.

Times Square

2009-05-30T09:20:00.002-04:00

16 21 10

spring evening with deborah

2009-05-30T09:09:00.002-04:00

almost hit deborah in the crosswalk this evening-

turned out to be a spontaneous-friday-laughter- relaxing- release

she brought wine and the garden was glamorous

woman

2009-05-25T21:53:00.002-04:00

still thinking about beauty-
how to be beautiful as a woman

on mother's day a woman said to me that all women are mothers because we all nurture and create

i thought this was hopeful and helpful

for myself- i have taken quite a bit of pride in the growth of my garden that i have nurtured
and i do long to create beautiful things-

i long to create and have started to create...
a culture of food that has roots in time and place
family culture tied to seasons of the year
and every once in a while long to create a child

i want to be finished struggling with myself-
struggling to be something i am not
to perform to others

i want to understand who i am
weaknesses and strengths
who i am in relationship to God- Sam and community

maybe this acceptance of woman- acceptance of roots- acceptance of time and place is fundamental in understanding me as i relate to who God made me

saturday morning

2009-05-04T18:53:00.002-04:00

spring evening

2009-04-18T20:39:00.002-04:00

-charcoal grill- twinkly lights-domino game- short story (in an anthology)-

my urban garden

2009-04-18T20:34:00.002-04:00

pepper plants have now been repotted in diet coke bottles

herbs- thyme, rosemary, lavender and mint

tomatoes in the red flyer wagon

we also have some seeds in egg cartons- cilantro, basil and jalepanoes

a beautiful day

2009-04-16T22:31:00.002-04:00

i was planning to spend some time this evening contemplating why i am not lsoing weight as quickly as i could be...

i changed my mind (at least for the time being).

i think that one of the missing pieces was/is beauty. instead of thinking of working out or eating right as what i need to do but think of these activities as acts of beauty. enjoy what is here.

for instance, cleaning the house instead of ticking of the things i have done i want to see these acts as cultivating a home or body that is beautiful.

or working out and enjoying the endorphins afterward, the power during and the mental fortitude beforehand. instead of heaving and dreading. today sam and i worked out- working out with sam is a beautiful thing to me.

today i planted an urban garden- we have pots of herbs and a red wagon with tomato plants. when we buy more soil, we will have a diet-coke crate (with 2-liter bottles as planters) full of sweet green peppers. i think these things are beautiful.

family

2009-04-16T16:11:00.002-04:00

cutains on a rainy day

2009-04-16T11:24:00.003-04:00

beautiful

2009-04-16T09:38:00.002-04:00

beautiful-
i seek beauty and try (at times neurotically) to create beauty
i often in creating beauty i am frustrated by what to do with the beautiful product
like the reams of pictures
large paintings
all seem a little less than practical especially in a place where space is a premium and the outside is cluttered that i need the inside to be clutter-free

over the last couple months, days, minutes i have had some revelations
beauty is found in a lovely healthy meal
in a garden
in a body-
i could make my body beautiful- i rarely invest time here
what if i had a routine for food and body?

i guess this leaves the mind and soul- how does one cultivate a beautiful mind and soul?

hm...

2009-03-27T03:07:00.002-04:00

it's 3 again
i find what keeps me awake at this point are thoughts of students
things i didn't see until now- hours after they are gone-

i want to fix it now
i want to problem solve and make everything better

not possible
but i'd like to give it a try

More Mugs

2009-03-11T17:14:00.002-04:00

the winner is...

2009-02-08T07:45:00.002-05:00

rachel and i celebrated our 29th birthdays on saturday. we and a few friends travelled around manhattan searching for the best slice. we considered ambiance, cheese, sauce and crust.

John's on Bleecker street is the clear winner (second time in a row).

variation

2009-02-03T18:25:00.001-05:00

city-scapes

2009-02-03T18:22:00.000-05:00

b/c it was friday

2009-02-01T14:56:00.001-05:00

I love Jersey City

2009-01-24T15:55:00.002-05:00

just outside...

thaw

2009-01-24T15:52:00.002-05:00

Mug Shots 2

2009-01-24T11:49:00.001-05:00

a saturday morning with a new camera.

Deep like the rivers

2009-01-19T18:20:00.003-05:00

"My soul has grown deep like the rivers"

"For when dreams die, Life is like a broken winged bird that cannot fly"

"Bring me all of your dreams you dreamers, bring me all of your heart melodies. That I may wrap them in blue-cloud-cloth away from the too rough fingers of the world."

As my students rehearse these notes and phrases from Langston Hughes, my thoughts have been stirred. I want for my soul to grow deep like the rivers and I want the same for my family and my students.

How do souls gain depth and bredth and an unceasing rolling forward?

We pray- We experience-We commune with God, each other, nature and ourselves. We speak for those who have "no voice" but first and foremost we listen to those who have "no say" say.

Watching the news I see a poll "Has Dr. King's dream been fulfilled with the election of President Barack Obama?" I would have to say yes and no. Certainly we have been reminded that the value of a person, the judge of the character, is not contained in the pigment of their skin. We have been reminded and know that we are created equal.

Yet, as Sam and I look for a new home to purchase we have seen landlords abuse their tenants. Tenants who are in the building illegally (of course I do not know this for sure- but the fact is unquestionable in my mind), I am sure for a myriad of reasons. Tenants who are paying to stay in corners, caves. Landlords cramming kitchens in to what was once surely a closet.

We met a tenant today who invested a good sum of money to own a washer and dryer and the landowner never installed the proper hook-ups. And there, in the tiny kitchen sits a $2,000 closet. Because we cannot waste space or hope that one day there will be proper water and electical lines installed.

We have seen appalling living conditions- people forced to the very corners of existence. Like the down feathers in a pillow, the tenants are smooshed and bent in to the furthest reaches some poking out. The blue cloud cloth is far removed and instead burlap bristles and irritates the knowledge that there is never enough for all- when there is injustice for one.

For many reasons they don't move. For many reasons I can list but do not know, they do not prosecute.

My friends were the victims of a landlord and because of his illegal dealings, all of their rent money (from 2 or 3 years) was returned to them. But this involved a lawsuit- much haggling- many headaches and meetings. The ability to navigate an impossible social/government structure.

In my soul, I know that the tenants we saw today will never have their money refunded. Their landlord is in foreclosure as it is.

Foreclosure: What to do about these houses? All these vacant houses. And the houses that could be homes if anyone had 30% down payment and immaculate credit.

Evicted families. And the evicted families where do they go? Do they pack up in plastic garbage bags their existence and move in with family? Do their relatives live in an illegal apt too? Where do the children go?

How does one foster a deep soul? How does one teach a deep soul?

Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy

Mug Shots

2009-01-19T09:38:00.003-05:00

Thanks for the title Jose :)

not melting

2009-01-19T09:34:00.002-05:00

Is it still a winter wonderland if it never leaves? And you have to try to park in the snow?And you have snow in your boots and miles to go before you rest? Maybe there are still moments...

meat scissors hair cut

2009-01-19T09:30:00.002-05:00

Even though it doesn't look like it, I have lost 7 pounds since Christmas. Next step- aerobic activity. ah.

Sundays

2009-01-18T17:37:00.002-05:00

Starting to think about what comes next.
How do we get to the "next level" of married life?

Begining to realize that I need grace. I cannot work harder to procure a more intimate marriage. It is God who knits us together.

Also, gave myself a meat-scissors haircut. I like it. I have bangs now :) and redder hair (thanks to the hair color Sam picked out).

another favorite

2009-01-11T19:35:00.003-05:00

While this mug doesn't come with sentimental attachment, like the lovely mugs from Katy and Nathan or the mug I "borrowed" from Karen, I can't escape the saturated color. I also love it's form- a little odd yet unoffending.

Maybe I will do some mug portraits...

winter wonder

2009-01-11T19:19:00.007-05:00

As I sort through my picture files, I realize I need to delete the mediocrity. I also feel the need for a direction.

I have been inspired by a few blogs in particular. I enjoy how theses artists capture the daily, the beautiful and the simple.

So, am I contributing something new? Or just repeating what has been done?

Evolution of Habits

2008-12-31T13:31:00.002-05:00

As I scroll through former posts, I realize that the decisions I have made recently are not new. They are reverbertations of previous thoughts. My new thoughts, I believe have more wisdom or clarity. The need for actions feels imperative and freeing simultaneously.

I have decided to take a social hiatus. Maybe fast.

Purpose:
Make time to be healthy in my relationship with God, Sam and myself.

To Do:

Eat well
take time to shop
prepare tasty meals
enjoy eating tasty meals with conversation and laughter

Exercise often
pilates
walk briskly
cheese-tastic exercise videos
exercise classes at local gym on weekends.
eliptical machine

Reflect creatively
journal
blog
do something with my pictures
collage

Think originally
read essays-novels and poetry
read friends blogs
talk to family
listen to NPR
listen to Keller's marriage series
discover new music
discuss ideas with Sam

When I think about these changes I see that they are an evolution of habits I have already begun to put in place. These are not revolutions. I have aspired to these things for a long time.

I am especially excited because Sam is excited. I started to eat healthier yesterday (meaning that I started the South Beach diet- I function better with hard and fast rules when it comes to losing weight). We had no food in the house and went to BJ's with the idea of the food I would need for the next ten days. Sam is excited about the new tastes and combinations and this makes me happy. I am not doing my own thing-or trying to cajole him to eat what I cook.

Identity

2008-12-31T10:40:00.002-05:00

Over Thanksgiving break my sister-in-law inspired me to "do something" with my photography.

I am now wondering what to do. And asking myself, "Who am I?" In one sense I am asking myself who I am as a photographer but I am also wondering about the rest of myself as well. Maybe the New Year brings about this type of reflection...

Some initial thoughts on me as a photographer:
casual
I don't take a lot of time setting up shots. I don't enjoy arranging people to get the right shot. I would rather people act like themselves and I am a bystander. Maybe in some senses an intimate bystander- meaning that the people I photograph feel comfortable to be themselves in front of me and allow me to capture glimpses of them.
the distance between people
I have long been fascinated by the space between lovers. It seems charged and magnetic at times. But I have grown to realize that it is not only the space between lovers that is extraordinary but between family members and friends. Even the space between strangers is telling. I enjoy playing with and preserving this space.
light
Currently, I am enjoying photos infused with light- light drawing out texture- light making the mundane mystical.
still life
While I don't enjoy moving people around, I do enjoy manipulating objects to reflect light, let their boldest colors shine or to have a setting that reveals a new or familiar aspect of the object.
juxtaposition
Opposites attract me. The differences between objects, people, places defines each subject. The differences can anchor a photograph and can communicate irony or deep saddness.

This is my brainstorm. Maybe one of these days I will start a blog designed for me as a photographer only :)