Since 4/2011

Now that I have started again... Today is about brain dumping. A lot has happened since my blog entry 4/2011. I suspect, well it's been said outright, that blogging is going out of style. I don't care. I like it. Since 4/2011 I am no longer a fifth grade teacher. I attend Columbia University. I am pregnant...this morning he seems intent on climbing out through my belly button. This has become a favorite spot for Sprouty, my belly button. I am 7 days away from completing my first internship. I helped (in a small way) start a school. I helped select the next leader of a school and then worked on developing and executing his evaluation. I prescreened who knows how many teacher applications...hundreds. I work as an office administrator. I co-lead a group of people looking for our next priest (I had to resign midway... Sprouty is becoming high-maintenance...or I am realizing I need time to take care of myself). Attended a group relations conference. Worked intensely in a small group intervention class. Studied under a theory under the guy who wrote the theory. That's a unique experience. I worked to plan an adjunct faculty reception. There's more but this is a start. This list doesn't include some of the more important things like how Sam and I are coming to know each other better. That is my favorite thing about this last year.

One of my favorite days from last year. We were visiting Sam's family in CA with our dear friend. We are at the beach with niece and nephews and Sam's long-time friend.

Starting Again

I don't like looking back. The blogger display that shows all the pictures and previous posts freaks me out. But I think this is an area I can grow. Instead of pretending the past didn't happen I could develop a sense of humor about it or a sense of personal growth and journey. I enjoy pretending the past didn't happen because I prefer avoiding remembering mistakes or times in my life that I feel embarrassed by. And the truth is, I am human...just like everyone else. Why not embrace my version crazy?

Another year in the garden is about to start!

We have had the roof of the shack's porch removed, and our yard looks enormous! We might even plant grass.

These pictures have been on the camera for a few weeks; already there is more growth than is captured here.

I am a gardener! Not a good one, but a passionate one.

After the Storm

They talk about the calm before the storm, but I find I can never take that calm seriously. The calm that I long for is the calm that infuses the hours after a storm.

This morning our backyard is infused with this calm. This morning I am overcome by this calm.

I would not call it peace. Peace to me is brought on by inner decisions. Peace is deeper than calm.

Calm is the very still waters of your soul and mind because there is nothing left to stir the waters, and finally, finally, you can look up and see that for this moment there are no more waves. For a minute you can rest and breathe and realize that the storm is over.

Maybe it's these moments of calm that will grow in to peace. I start to realize that the storms make me stronger; I realize that I am still loved.

Cleaning Early on Saturday

It is amazing what a little cleaning can do.

You might be tempted to think you hate your house. But then you clean it, purge the white noise, and all of a sudden, it doesn't feel so bad any more.

The house is really teaching me so much. Like how do you have high expectations, work towards a goal but know that the goal won't come around for years and decades and maybe never.

Ideal Days

It is hard for me to say exactly what I want to do each day.

I know that I enjoy meeting goals. I like a pragmatic product at the end. Something concrete.

I would like reading and writing and talking with people. I would like to interpret and help implement. I can see myself writing curriculum and implementing it.

Maybe 2 days a week of people. 3 days a week of research, reading and writing.

I am not sure about data entry. I enjoyed statistics. I like playing with numbers. I would like to know more about that. Interpreting statistics and making effective plans. Then there would need to be a follow up to make sure that curriculum is meeting needs.

I also know that part of me doesn't care what I do during a day, as long as there is forward movement. I have cleaned toilets, painted rooms, written curriculum, taught children and have felt good at the end of a day.

I should think back to the curriculum days; I need clear goals and a structure. Feedback at points- obviously more at first than later.

What do you want to do?

So what do you want to do?

Well I want to .... these ideas really excited me.

I hear that you like our mission. What do you want to do day to day?

I don't know.

Snow

Friends

From the outside looking in...

I think this is one of the self-involved things I love about friends. They give you a moment, a script, with which to see/narrate your life from the outside looking in.

Sam asked me the other day what I talk about with my friends. I couldn't really answer. I had been out on a walk for 2+ hours with my good friend, and I couldn't really recall what we had discussed.

It hit me today. Friends get excited about your life and remind you to be excited about possibilities. They don't worry about the same things Sam and I think of.

One of those weeks

one of those weeks where your body feels the stress a bit later than your mind.

So in church my muscles are twitching and tensing; during the hymns and readings I practice deep breathing and intentional relaxation.

In church I am reminded to be stouthearted and that someone knows my tomorrows.

How does one change their mind?
How do you go from anxious to confident?
How do you remember that your ideas matter when you are thinking of starting a new project?