Kindergarten

Today the staff discussed the root of "kindergarten". It stems from a German word that means something like child's garden.

Our presenter spent an hour unpacking the history behind the garden of education metaphor.

In biblical times gardens were a sign of wealth and power. They were desirable and pleasure-filled. They were orderly and beautiful.

As God's children we are called his garden or trees planted for his glory. In Psalm one the word "planted" could also be translated "transplanted". Kings in the Old Testament times would take and replant trees from their captive kingdoms to prove their superiority as the trees flourished and grew stronger in their new home. Often, the former owner-king's head was hung from the tree as a reminder of victory. We are these trees taken from a foreign land and planted near the streams of living water. And death's end is our head hanging from our branches.

So for children our school, my classroom is to be a garden of delight. A place of importance and joy seperate from the world. Yet they take the garden with them in to the world.

simple questions

who am i?
where am i?
what time is it?

fairly easy questions. i hear they are the three questions that can help health-care professionals determine just how lucid you are. straightforward. one answer for each.

after talking with colleagues i realize that those questions cut straight to my sinfulness and illuminate daily struggles. thinking of asking these questions to myself in a moment when students are melting down--- or when they need so much more than i am willing to give-- these questions shed light on the fact that i am selfish.

instead of remembering that i am a caretaker and educator i think of myself as at my job. only doing what they pay me to do. it's odd i thought that working like it's only a job would make my life easier and more enjoyable. i am frustrated- lay awake more nights thinking of students-feel empty and overwhelmed.

instead of just flying through each day maybe there is time for reflection in the midst of the chaos or work or duties or friendships.

afraid

since sam has moved out, i am now afraid of more things than i know what to do with.

bridges -tunnels- open spaces- flying-

it's bizarre.

i noticed this new level of fearing yesterday on the bus. we had taken our seats several stops back, i had been stewing overwhelmed wonderings concerning the tunnel and the enormous bustling city on the other side when a girl my age hopped on to the bus with a suitcase in hand. immediately i recalled the numerous times i traveled through the city to get to some other location via grand central. i don't recall being afraid- i recall feeling edgy - brave-determined.

now- i worry.

i wonder if it's the birth control.

? confused ?

today our sermon was focused on confused people. currently, i am a confused. not even sure about what. i just know that today we were singing about seeing light at the end of the night. and i don't see it.

i am not sure why i am listless and hopeless. i can't find the words to say the way i have been feeling. i have a loving and sensitive and strong husband; i have a good job (my dream job).

guilt seeps in because i know that i have much to be thankful for and yet i wallow- or am confused.

janet said there are two ways that people get trapped or confused. we either get caught by our pasts or our presents. if we are caught by our pasts then we haven't let wrongs or circumstances go. if we are caught in the present we are constantly trying to please people and looking for adoration.

i think there is a bit of both in me, but i am primarily caught in the present. looking for praise and acceptance. i don't think of trying to get people to like me as a losing game. i know it's a game i can win.

this year, i have had to face this trap. i didn't (and still don't) realize the extent to which i crave accpetance. i obsessively desire to please. i alter my words and sometimes my beliefs depending on whom i am speaking with.

this is not a game i can win. and only this year have been forced in to that honest confession. i still don't really believe it. there's a secret corner in my soul that remains confident and self-assured.

i forget that i am ultimately accepted and unconditionally loved. my experience echoes a hymn verse; "Prone to wander Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love."

what if i wasn't confused anymore and i understood how and what about my life in Christ. what if i completely let go of this game and these fears and embraced the freedom that is mine?

to do

things to do instead of eating:

fold clothes
make a salvation army pile
deliver the salvation army pile
write letters to:
family
friends
sponsor child
clean the fridge
shred mail
take photographs
read
create something beautiful
cook (ironic)
go on a walk
blog
update online photo albums
write

today i created-
thought and didn't tink
watched amelie

remembered art

considered health

felt the absence of god- glad to notice that i am missing god instead of keeping so busy i don't notice.

maybe i will watch less tv

i am richly blessed

don't often think about that.

it's all there on the fridge

work

&

family

&

friends.

maybe i should look at the fridge more-

instead of in the fridge

Saturday

i am taking a day

a day to think

a day to remember

a day to dream

i am taking a day

or maybe i am receiving a day