Good night

Before the ending of the day
Creator of the world we pray
that you with love and lasting light,
would guard us through the hours of night

From all ill dreams defend our eyes,
from nightly fears and fantasies,
redeem through us our evil foe
that we no lasting harm my know

O wisest Guide, grant all we ask,
fulfill in us your holy task,
surround us with your love and care
and lead us on your life to share

All praise to God sustaining us
redeeming and transforming us
Thanksgiving in eternity
all praise beloved Trinity.

Friends

"I am a rock.
I am an island."


Friends are easy for me to take for granted. It is easy for me to lose myself in tasks and in the present moment. This fact is proven by my lack of phone calls, and my general "island" mentality. I don't mean the cool and relaxed "island mentality;" I mean the stalwart and isolated "island" mentality.

It is true that being married has helped me on my voyage to the continent. But I still forget to stay connected with my friends.

Over the last two days, my friends have been speaking words of peace to me. They tell me about their lives and God. And I remember that I am not alone, and that maybe I am not crazy.

I am thinking of this morning's conversation over pancakes. My two dear friends and I have bonded over the course of three years. What brings us together is our neurotic sense of control. We are a high-functioning trio; we get lots of work accomplished, and each of us struggles with our island lives. It is easy for us to forget that God is in control.

My friend reminded me that anxiety can be seen as spiritual warfare. I do not think of my anxiousness in these terms. But maybe it is true. God does not want us to be anxious about anything. What can worrying add to our lives? This heightened sense of responsibility that morphs in to control issues is not of God.

What does God want from me? How does my anxiety prevent me from seeing want God wants for me? In what ways does my perception distort God's truth?

I remember my senior Bible teacher telling us this: "What does the Lord require of thee? To act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with thy God." Maybe I have been too scared to see what God has in store for me. Maybe I am supposed to be a stronger leader than I realize, having strength that comes from peace and love instead of control and performance.

Letting Go

I find that I am a better teacher as I am able to let go. I am releasing my need to fix children; I am learning to let them struggle. I can narrate their struggles to them, and I can discuss strategies. But their struggles are ultimately not mine.

Talking with a friend recently I realized that we can get in the way of children's struggles. Her daughter has some questions about God. Does God exist? is at the heart of the daughter's dilemma and anger. I realized that if the mom chose to be angry about this, or if she chose to try to "fix" her daughter, she would ultimately distract her daughter from her struggle. Her struggle is with God not her mother.

My students struggle with many things. These are their struggles. I can be a support and a well of unconditional positive regard, but I cannot assume their struggles. It's not my fight. It is theirs and they are stronger for the fight.

Feeling Grounded

I know what I know
I say what I say
We come and we go

It's the thing that I keep in the back of my head
I know what I know

I don't know if these are the words to a Paul Simon song, but I like to think that they are. I find that I make up my own words to songs...

These words came to my mind on Sunday. Sunday was a day when what I believe now and what I used to believe came to further peace with one another. And I came to own and feel the beliefs more. Maybe I came to a further realization of God's deep love for me and for us all.

Differences arise for us when we try to reconcile biblical language, experience, and theology with what we know to be true of God. Also there is the question of what we want to be true of God versus what is actually true of God. Some things we will never know... many things we will never know.